Its been a lovely week ..for once. I finally got to see my kids outside of the contact centre, that was lovely!
I had missed my daughters birthday so was a little upset the week before and i wasnt happy that it had been exactly a year since all this crap had started but it came at the end of a long week with many changes, hence the poem ‘Breakfast club porridge’.
You see i had to get to the core of why i couldnt completely stop, and in many ways it could be seen as fear. Ive suffered a lot of traumatic events in my adult life, and like a snowball they did just get bigger. I think in many ways rather than dealing with them id block them out with smoke. However a flaw in this realisation is that stopping has made me aware of quite acute head pains which i have suffered from an injury a few years ago. No doubt itll go eventually but this realisation has helped me in my recovery in many ways. I had realised that i had felt so bad about myself for such a long time, spent so much time analysing why me, whats wrong with me, that i had not much left. I was starting to not know who i was anymore. It made me mad, and i guess that can be seen in my earlier posts. A little councelling and an evening drama group plus regular visits to my drugs key worker, and breakfast club was actually helping me.
I started to realise that i do have a lot of strengths and they just need to be harnessed. Thats what i think is wrong with family court. I learnt integrity, i wont throw it the other way, its ridiculous to continue in this scenario but it was an eventful week none the less.
Next week i start helping at a homeless day centre assisting in the computer suite. It gives me something i can do which isnt money orientated. A system which is destroying our society, and i can give something to the community unselfishly.
I also did my first performance for 25 years (Haw Haw) It was really fun, and that post performance feeling is really good.
During the last year ive met a couple of people who really impressed upon my mind the main one was through my twitter i discovered someone called Sir Ken Robinson. If you havant heard of him i would strongly recommend you take a look. His speciality is on the lack of creativity in schools but my introduction to him through this following short is the reason that i think i decided to go back to drama. I have no doubt that creativity induces more creativity and i have to say he gives some inspirational points.
I dont think its that i have changed hugely, Ive just refound my old self and now im feeling better, i am finding interests again, seeing my kids free of that centre for a while and again starting to enjoy my life. I also learnt through all that i have been through to release the need to change for my children, its an emotional leper of a challenge. I have to be able to change for me. I have become incredibly receptive, the anger is ebbing and i feel better. Im not saying i wont ever slip up, but i feel pretty good right now, culminating in a lovely hour and a half with my kids. We went to a few shops and had a picnic in the park, its all we needed. 2 weeks until my final hearing, i still dont expect that much..more money can be legally extracted, I have to take as long as i need.